A Knight's Sorrow

May 9, 2013

Disconnected…

Filed under: Blog — Harlequinn @ 11:05 pm
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I think with the stress of assignments, most of my things are packed up, ergo living in an empty room, my best friend working away and another close friend living a fair distance away… I can’t help but feel a little disconnected from the world.

I mean, yes, there’s friends I have online that I speak to… but they, in a sense, keep me connected to a virtual world. They, unknowingly, keep me house bound. That in order to socialise with them, I have to stay plugged into some electronic device and interact with their virtual avatar, in a virtual world. I do appreciate their friendship and support, but I crave for a world I can touch.

April 25, 2013

To Be or Not To Be

Filed under: Blog — Harlequinn @ 10:44 am
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One of those nights where I’m debating to remain the person that I am, or once again be the monster I once was.

Right now… I am human. Alive. Frail. Easily broken. Easily hurt. At this very second, I am hurt and broken. I’m lost and confused. But yet… being human, means being alive. Having emotions. Knowing joy…

Then there was the monster. It was cold. Callous. Proud. Strong. Emotionless. Emphatic, without being sympathetic. But empty. Alone. I didn’t know joy, because I was incapable of feeling it.

I’ve always hated the monster I once was… but right now, I can’t help admire how beautiful the monster was. How simplistic it was not to feel… how easy it was…

I know to be that again means to be dead inside… but that might be a better alternative to how I feel right now. I’m too old and tired to go through what I’m going through. I’m tired of being the best I can be, but fall short. I’m tired of being the best friend that helps the one person I love deeply time and time again, without question or being asked to help… but yet always ending up in an empty bed.

For once, I want to be the lover, not the friend. To be the prince, and not the knight.

Or I could just be the dragon that sleeps in its cave alone…

February 23, 2013

Love Thy Self, Screw Thy Neighbour

Filed under: Blog — Harlequinn @ 2:15 am
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Having dealt with the issues of some of my close friends in the last few weeks, I noticed an alarming pattern. People care too much, and yet at the same time, not enough. The problem… their priorities are wrong.

People are always spouting off that their friends or family or lover or tentacled alien friend, are the most important person in their life.

Now, this might sound rather cynical… but the most important in our lives, should be ourselves. We should be our first priority.

Now I’m not saying that friends and family aren’t important, but we need to make ourselves just as important. The reason being, is if we cannot love ourself for who are, if we cannot be proud of who we are, how can we expect someone else to love us or be proud for us?

We generally don’t expect other people in our lives to make us happy, so why do we take on the expectation that we must live our life trying to please other people? Why do we bend over backward for people and yet complain we’re not happy? The simple fact is, if we’re spending out entire lives trying to please other people on the premise that it will make us happy… we’re not being true to ourselves. Instead, it leaves us open to getting walked on others that will take advantage of our kindness. And in the end, we’re left bitter and empty.

We’ve all got to examine our lives and see what makes us happy. We’ve got to see what we want. To find ourselves. And if we’re not proud of who we are, if we’re not happy with the way things are, we need to change them. I know that is easier than it sounds… but it all starts with a single step. One foot after another, with each step taken with confidence and determination of who we wish to be.

On one final point… and probably the hardest thing about moving forward, is that whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we have toxic people in our lives. People that will taint us. People that wish us miserable so that they can be happy. People that will feed on our misery, like a cancer. And like a cancer, they need to be removed.

Unfortunately, cutting people out in our lives is never easy, especially if we’ve confided in them, hold them close or have had them in our lives for years. But simply, if a person can’t accept the fact that we aren’t happy with our lives and support that we wish to change, but instead want us to stay the same depressed person, what sort of friend is that really? If people really care about us, they’d want us to take a positive step forward, and will be there to hold our hand through the darkness.

So yes… how can we expect to fly on new phoenix wings, when we are held down my steel goblins?

November 29, 2012

Wants and Needs

Filed under: Blog — Harlequinn @ 6:11 am
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Life itself is a rather curious thing. Especially if we look at the differences between “wants” and “needs”. Or more precisely, how mutable “needs” and “wants” can be. How that one thing can flow between different states of being a “need” one moment, to a “want” the next.

More so when we examine those two words when it comes to relationships. Mainly because with relationships, it’s more about just your “needs” and “wants”. That sometimes to exist, your “needs” need to be changed… to be re-prioritised into “wants”. And this is regardless of whatever relationship we’re talking about. With a partner… with a lover… with a sibling… with a close friend. This is because our lives aren’t just defined by ourselves, but how we define ourselves with those we are close about.

Take the example of an unrequited love. (Yes yes, love triangles are cliched… but they are cliched for a reason >.> )

Our tragic protagonist spies a fair maiden across yonder garden, one who is bequeathed to someone else.

At first he sees her sad, and comes to console her, by walking with her in the garden every day. An act that had no more intent than to ease each other’s burdens. Two distant strangers quickly become close friends.

Of course, with such tragic tales, our protagonist falls for the maiden.

He may worry about her every day, and wish he could be the sun that lights her life, and the moon that guides her at night. But as much as he thinks he “needs” her, it doesn’t change the fact that she “wants” the person she is bequeathed to.

Now… three things could happen.

If this was Hollywood, we’d say the protagonist woos the maiden away, and shows her that she really “needs” him. But unfortunately, that’s the jerk thing to do.

Jerk Option B, which happens more often than not, is to just disappear in the night and deny himself the pain of desiring what he can’t have.

The last thing, unfortunately is tragic. For him to realise that his “need” can only ever be a “want”. A desire. A dream. For him to realise that while the maiden may be unhappy at times, just for him to be around makes her happy. That it may not be the way he wished for her to desire him, she none the less “needs” him. As much as he feel likes he “needs” her, as much as he’d like to “need” her… she can only ever be a “want”.

And why must she be delegated to a “need” ? Simply put, that while she may “need” him in her life, but he may not be the person she truely “needs”. He may not be the person she “wants”.

And while some may find it foolish and painful… our tragic protagonist stands by her. Not on some foolish notion that she may change her mind, but because he knows he makes her happy and smile. That he takes the edge off of the pain that we all sometimes feel. And honestly, what are friends for, than to make our pain seem less painful.

November 4, 2012

Of Castles, Coasters and Cards…

Filed under: Blog — Harlequinn @ 8:42 pm
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When we are children, we are told that good things come to those who wait. That life is a big fairytale. That, if we are good, we’d get the happy ending we deserve.

When we are teenagers, we are told that the story of fluffy cloud castles was a lie. That the truth is, life is a roller coaster, and it doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad. That regardless of who we are, that there are ups and downs, that there are twists and turns. If we live our lives good, then we’d get off of the ride feeling happy, and if live our lives bad, we’d feel disappointed.

When we become adults, we are told that the carnival of life is a lie. To some extent. There are no rides. No attractions. No vendors selling fairy floss. Like all “good” carnivals, there is a joke at the heart. The joke of life is that the real truth… is nothing but lies. Lies within lies, wrapped in lies and dipped in more lies for that extra lie flavour.

Life is more like cards. Life deals us each a hand. Sometimes those hands are good, sometimes those hands are bad. If we are dealt a good hand, then everything is dandy, unless someone tries to screw you over with a better hand. If the hand we are dealt with is bad, then you’re shit out of luck. Unless of course, you have no issues of lying through your teeth and are willing to screw other people over and hope you draw some good cards or other people fold. But yet our childhood and teenage years tells us that’s not what we’re meant to do.

What we’re meant to do with a bad hand is just sigh, shrug and hope your next hand will be better. But then there’s the times where we are dealt one bad hand after another… and another… and another. Until we get to the point where we wonder if the deck is stacked against us. That after no matter how many hands, and how much we hope, it’s pointless. After all, they do say the house always win.

Yes, you always hear those stories of miracles of self help and positive thinking gurus. But seriously… if they were all true, wouldn’t we all be rich millionaires, with the faithful partner of our dreams, living in some Victorian mansion on our own private island while being served by clockwork spiders.

Maybe if life is a game of cards… then it requires playing it with people, against people. Maybe the secret isn’t about screwing other people over, since that’s just bad sportsmanship. But instead, it’s maybe about not caring what happens and just enjoying it.

Or maybe that’s just another lie to make it easier to accept.

Maybe the secret is to not care. If all the truths we held dear when we were growing up turned out to be nothing but lies, then maybe that is the clear truth. Life is a lie. Love is a lie. To care is to feel pain. While ignorance is happiness.

August 31, 2012

Friends

Filed under: Blog — Harlequinn @ 2:48 pm
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This is a little detour from my normal poetry and short stories. Instead, here’s a little musing on how I see friends:

Being a friend is more than just hanging out with a person every other day. It’s more than shared interests. It’s about holding their hand when they need strength, but don’t ask for it. It’s about offering our shoulder and a box of tissues when they are crying on the inside. It’s about making them smile and laugh, when they are depressed.

Though ironically, with friendship, the closer we let them get, the more we want to protect them from our pain. We think that by pushing them away when we are at our darkest, we will keep them safe. All it does though, is to make them feel ignored and unwanted at best… unappreciated and unloved at worst. The even more painful truth, is that the friends we tried to keep safe from harm, are the ones we hurt the most. That when we finally do reach out for those we truely care about, they’re no longer there and we’re left all alone.

If you truely do care about friends that you hold dear, let them know that you do care and appreciate them. Even when you’re too afraid and too proud to say you’re hurting, chances are they know you are. All a friend truely wants, is a hug and the simple words “thank you for being there”.

While a person that cannot love you at your worst, doesn’t deserve you at your best. A friend that wants to be there at our worst, but we don’t let them, may not be there at our best or worst ever again.

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